This week's book: "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie.
"The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it."
Dale Carnegie
I've been told more times than I can count, mostly by my wife, that I should have been a lawyer. I always took it as a compliment. I've since learned that's not quite how she meant it.
I've never backed down from an argument. For years I thought that was a strength. Then I figured something out: I've lost almost every argument I technically won.
That's exactly where Carnegie opens Part 3 of this week's book. You can't win an argument. You might have the better facts. You might even get the other person to give up and go quiet. But did you change their mind, or just make them upset?
A few years ago, I finally decided the relationship matters more than being right. Now I make my case, listen to theirs, and accept that we might not agree. Some arguments simply aren't worth having, no matter how sure I am. (Politics is where I see this most. I've never once watched anyone win that argument or change a single mind. Better to protect the relationship and move on.)
Part 4 turns to leadership, and two principles stuck with me. Admit your own mistakes before pointing out someone else's. And praise improvement instead of looking for what's wrong. I've gotten pretty good at both, after years of getting that wrong.
Something to try today
Next time you find yourself in a situation and feel that itch to prove you're right, pause and ask one question: do I want to win this point, or keep this person close? Then, just this one time, choose the person. Make your case if you must, then let it go. Notice how much lighter it feels.
Where in your life could you afford to lose an argument to keep a relationship? I'd love to hear, if you feel like sharing.
I'll go first: with my wife, always. I've learned that being right is a poor trade for getting on her bad side (being right isn't worth it if it puts you in the doghouse). I’ve also found that she is most often right! Took me long enough, but I got there.
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Talk tomorrow,
Mike
Helping you become the best version of yourself