This week's book: "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie.
"You can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them."
Dale Carnegie
I'm halfway through this week's book, and I keep having the same strange experience: I'll read one of Carnegie's principles and think, "I've been doing that my whole life without knowing it had a name." And other times I’ll read something and think, “Wow, I’ve been messing that up for decades.”
Here's what the first two sections come down to. Part 1 is about handling people without hurting them. Carnegie tells a story about steel magnate Charles Schwab, who found his men smoking right under a "No Smoking" sign. Instead of scolding them, Schwab handed each one a cigar and said, "I'll appreciate it, boys, if you'll smoke these outside." He corrected the behavior without diminishing the person. His message was delivered and he humiliated nobody. Then he even gave them a free cigar.
Part 2 is about genuinely connecting with people. And Carnegie's very first principle is the one that grabbed me: become sincerely interested in other people. Don't try to be interesting but be interested.
That one hit home, because it's the accidental secret that led to one of the best chapters of my career.
Years ago, I took over building a retail brokerage division of a commercial commodity hedging firm. I was hiring brokers, many of them young, all of them nervous about whether this new boss had their backs. On my first day with the group that would become the core of the firm, I told them something I meant with complete sincerity: I work for you, not the other way around. I'll be honest with you always, and I'll do everything I can to help you succeed. They had tough jobs and needed as much help as I could give them.
I didn't say it as a technique or as something I read in a book. I said it because I genuinely cared whether those people made it. I was interested in them, their careers, their families, what they were trying to build. And here's what happened: we went from literally nothing to real success in a short two years, and some of those folks are still friends today, decades later.
I didn't have a book to tell me to do that. But reading Carnegie now, I realize I had stumbled onto one of his most important ideas: people can feel the difference between someone managing them and someone genuinely in their corner. They give their best to the person who's genuinely interested in them. I learned as much about leadership from bosses who got this wrong as from the ones who got it right.
That's the thread through everything Carnegie teaches, and it's at the heart of this book, despite that slightly slick title. It only works if it's real. The interest must be genuine. That's why I'm starting to think the title undersells the book. Carnegie isn't really teaching us tricks for winning friends or influencing people. He's teaching us how to become the kind of person other people want to be around. You can't fake caring about people, at least not for long.
Something to try today
In your next conversation, with a coworker, your kid, the person at the checkout, try Carnegie's first principle. Ask one real question about them, then actually listen to the answer instead of waiting for your turn to talk. Be interested, not interesting. It's a small thing that changes how people feel around you. Warning, ask the right question and you could be in for a long conversation!
Who's someone who made you feel like they were genuinely in your corner? I'd love to hear, if you feel like sharing.
I'll go first: my grandfather. He had a way of making every person feel important, like they genuinely mattered to him (I honestly think they did). I've spent much of my life trying to do the same.
I'm not there yet. I still have plenty to learn and practice.
Turns out Carnegie wrote the manual 90 years ago.
Now I'm wondering if my grandfather read it too.
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Talk tomorrow,
Mike
Helping you become the best version of yourself