This week's book: "The Charisma Myth" by Olivia Fox Cabane.
"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and to be understood."
Ralph Nichols
One of the biggest takeaways from this week's book is that charisma isn't magic. It comes down to three behaviors, and every one of them can be improved with practice.
Presence is being fully engaged in the moment. When you're talking with someone, they have your complete attention, real eye contact, real listening, not just waiting for their turn. You always know when someone's doing the opposite. They're three feet away and clearly champing at the bit to talk. It barely matters what you say, they're just waiting for the first opening to jump in. We've all felt that, and we've all done it.
Power is how others perceive your confidence, your competence, your ability to make things happen. It's not about being intimidating, though a lot of people think it is. The most powerful man I know personally is so soft-spoken you have to lean in to hear him. But he can move mountains. He's deeply connected in business and politics, wildly successful, and has run one of the most impressive organizations in the world. He never raises his voice. He doesn't need to.
Warmth is showing people you genuinely care, through kindness, empathy, and real interest in them. And that same soft-spoken man? When you talk with him, about anything at all, you walk away feeling like the most important person in the world. That's the whole thing right there.
Cabane's argument is that the most charismatic people combine all three. They make you feel heard, they inspire quiet confidence, and they genuinely care about you and your success. It's rarely the loudest person in the room. It's the one who makes you feel seen.
Reading this chapter, I found myself asking which of the three comes naturally to me, and which one I need to work on the most.
Warmth comes naturally. I've been told that when I'm in a conversation, the other person feels like the only one in the room. Power is my stretch. I've never loved putting myself forward, so projecting that quiet, mountain-moving confidence, that's the one I'm practicing.
One thing to try today
In your next conversation, give the person your complete attention. Phone away, eyes up, no rehearsing your reply while they talk. Just listen to understand. It's the simplest of the three, and the one too few do well.
Which of the three comes most naturally to you, and which is your stretch?
I'll go first: warmth comes easy, power is the one I need to work on. Funny thing is, the most powerful man I know got there by making everyone feel the warmth. Maybe that's the lesson.
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Talk tomorrow,
Mike
Practical wisdom for the life you're building