This week's book: "The Charisma Myth" by Olivia Fox Cabane.
"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Some of the most confident people we know never even had to open their mouths. You could see that confidence before they ever said a word.
That's the heart of chapter nine of this week's book, Charismatic Body Language. Cabane's point is that people form an impression of us before we ever open our mouths. Posture, eye contact, expression, the way we listen, all of it talks first, and it talks loudly.
Here's the part that stuck with me: it isn't about performing. It's about lining your body up with your intentions. If you're genuinely present and interested, your body tends to show it on its own. The trouble starts when the two don't match.
I did business for years with a big guy. Six foot three, 270-plus pounds, sharp mind, wonderful stories, and never met a camera he didn't like. This guy had real presence! But his body language could sometimes be brutal. When he met someone new, he'd fold his arms across his chest and sway back and forth, side to side, like he couldn't decide whether to stay or leave. It made everyone around him uneasy. It didn’t show up all the time but boy when it did, the conversation was over before it even got started.
I tried to tell him. More than once, but I don’t think was aware of when it was happening. I still think about how much further a talented guy like that could have gone if he'd simply learned to stand still, drop his arms, and let people in. Such a waste of a lot of talent.
The book is full of the opposite too, great stories of people who made small adjustments, standing a little taller, holding eye contact a second longer, giving someone their full attention, and they watched their relationships and their confidence grow.
Because here's the thing about all three charisma behaviors we've talked about this week. Presence, power, and warmth all reach people through the body before they ever reach them through words.
One thing to try today
In your next real conversation, notice your body. Are your arms open or crossed? Are your eyes on the person or drifting? Are you still, or fidgeting? You don't have to perform anything. Just let your body match the interest you actually feel.
Be more like James Bond. Can you imagine him fidgeting or slouching? Of course not.
What's one body language habit you've noticed that instantly builds trust, or breaks it? Hit reply, I read every one.
I'll go first: crossed arms do it for me every time. The moment someone uncrosses them and leans in a little, the whole conversation changes. I try to catch myself and do the same.
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Talk tomorrow,
Mike
Practical wisdom for the life you're building