"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours." — Henry David Thoreau, Walden
Let's start with the title, because it stops people in their tracks. "You Deserve This Sh!t." It sticks out; it sounds brash. It is certainly what first caught my attention. But Jordan Tarver means something quieter than it looks at first glance. He is not talking about entitlement, the idea that the world owes you something. Or, some may take it negatively, that you deserve this crappy situation you're in. He is talking about permission. The belief that you are allowed to want the life you want, and you're allowed to go build it.
Most of us never give ourselves that permission. We wait around for someone else to hand it to us. This book is about granting it to yourself and then doing the work. I gave this book a 9 out of 10, because it reminds me of a lot of people I know. People who I am close with. People who have so much potential but aren't living the life they are supposed to be living. People who are working in a grey cubicle, but who should be running a landscaping company or building cabinets. I think that is why so many of our friends and neighbors are unhappy in their work. You've seen the statistics, something like over 70% of working adults are dissatisfied with their jobs. That makes me sad.
Tarver lays it out in three moves, and they build on each other.
First, awareness.
You cannot change what you cannot see. Most of us live on autopilot, reacting to our days instead of actually designing them. Tarver's fix is simple but not easy: pay attention, on purpose. It's hard at first but build that muscle and it will quickly become easier.
I started keeping a journal and catching the small things I normally blow right past. Things like realizing I was not in charge of my own day. A few years back I tore the meniscus in my knee, and being forced onto the couch during recovery taught me something I would have missed: how much of my life I had been rushing through without really looking at it. Stillness showed me things that motion had been hiding. I was reacting to life and not building it anymore. It's ok. It happens. "Life" has a habit of taking over.
Awareness doesn't mean self-absorption. It is just the first practical step. You cannot craft the life you want if you don't take an honest assessment of where you're at.
Second, get outside your comfort zone.
Everything starts to get good on the other side of being uncomfortable first. Tarver pushes hard on this, and it is the part of the book I have lived the most.
I started scuba diving at nine years old. Later I played rugby, ran a house-painting business, worked on an oil rig, lived in the Caribbean, and stood in a trading pit in Chicago with real money on the line. None of those were comfortable when I started. Every single one of them changed me. I have never once grown from inside the safe zone.
The comfort zone is a wonderful place to rest. It is a terrible place to live.
Third, live on purpose.
Awareness shows you your life. Courage gets you moving. Intentional living is what guides you. Tarver's point is that a good life is not something that happens to you. It is something you design.
A big part of that is the word NO. Every yes you give to something that does not matter is a no to something that does. Let that sink in. Building your days around what actually matters, around your why, is how you stop drifting and start steering.
The one thing to carry from the whole book
You are allowed to want more, and you are allowed to go get it. That is the whole message hiding under that great and brash title. Not arrogance. Permission. Most people are waiting for a sign that never comes. Tarver's answer, and mine, is that you can, and must, give yourself that sign. And do it today. Think about that line again: every yes you give to something that does not matter is a no to something that does.
Your challenge this week
Pick one thing you have quietly been telling yourself you do not deserve, or are not ready for. Write it down. Then name the one small, uncomfortable first step toward it, and take that step before the week is out. Not the whole staircase. Just the first stair.
So here is my question for you, and I will answer it first: what is one thing you have been waiting for permission to go after? Hit reply and tell me. I read every one.
Talk soon,
Mike
My answer: making a workbook that will complement this newsletter. Look for it later this year.